Thursday, 11 April 2013

Imaginary Conversations in Hyde Park

This past weekend London had been briefly visited by Spring. 

I didn't know that Spring had the personality of Lindsay Lohan: so much hype, so much promise, but so late showing up and when she does - it's a quick entrance, ducks out of vision and leaves without saying good bye. 


Via eonline.com

But momentarily, there was sun and we almost hit double digits in the temperature - it was 9 degrees people!

But considering it was just snowing a few days before, I felt I had to be a good host to Spring and went to the park to greet her.

I like to take a walk on my own - I get to think properly.

I don't even listen to music - just my own thoughts.
And other people's conversations.

I decided to sit in the Lido cafe having a cup of tea with some papers, getting some Vitamin D, and people watching.


Via Flickr
The park was full of people full of like minded people trying to catch a glimpse of the sun rays.

I know we all do this, please tell me you do, but don't you sometimes wish you could just go up to certain people and have a quick word?  I know I do.  Good thing I was alone because I was busy having imaginary conversations in my head with these people. 

That way you also get the last word.

Well there were a few people who I talked to.



No actual pictures are available so I apologize if you can't picture them.

I saw a group of posh-ish public school boys being raucous and juvenile making fun of everybody but in such a nasty way. Teenagers are at an odd stage anyway but this was unbearable.

I wanted to tap the boys on the shoulder and say.

Hey little boy, can you please stop making fun of that hard working family from Newcastle that is on a quick family trip they worked really honest hours for to show their children the London museums?  They may be "common" to you but your supposed alma mater Winston Churchill did say,


"I like common. The older I get I realize that common sense and common courtesy isn't."


Your parents scrimp and save; they give up holidays and a proper pension plan so you can go to a "good school".  Oh yes they do - you don't fool me by wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch shirt which is way too tight for you. That means you either got it from your granny for Christmas a few years ago because your parents won't buy any unnecessary items or you're gay in which case, just come out already because bitchiness does not suit straight men. Although more suitable than apprenticing plumber butt.  

Pull your pants up.  Don't you know that the tradition of lowering your pants showing half your ass is code in prison for - I will be your girl so please don't beat me up? Don't think we could be friends - not because of the age difference but because your future dinner parties would be all four different types of forks and no champagne.

Anyway, I gotta go and talk to that 76 year old lady - the one over there wearing the Barbour jacket and Hermes headscarf scowling at the 17 year old who is petting her dogs.

Excuse me madam, how dooyoodoo?


I hope you are doing well today because normally you are always so upset and doing what I do internally in my head; telling completely random strangers off for their behaviour.

Why are you always complaining? Why are you red with rage?
Isn't the menopause over?    


Why did you bite the head off the girl who said she loved your vintage scarf?  You didn't have to give her daggers with your eyes and say it is not "vintage" and correct her that you bought it in 1974.  She was just making conversation.  

You should enjoy your old age with your hobbies and charities you work for.  Was it the retired donkeys who worked at Romanian circus foundation? Oh and that lawsuit against your nephew must keep you busy.  The one who put your sister in an old age home in Surrey because he thought she was getting senile. Has your lawyer proved  you were right and that she has always been a silly mad cow?  You must miss her.

I do understand your crankiness though.  It must get lonely because your dear old friend Margaret passed away, your other friend Charlotte had to sell her house in Chester Square because her son got made redundant and can't afford the school fees so now she has moved to Gloucestershire to live in her son's house.  I know your new Russian and Kazakh neighbours aren't too friendly. They may always offer to lend you that ghastly goat's milk for your tea and are never at home for you to drop in on but look at the bright side. No one gets burgled anymore.  Yes, London may not be what it used to be, Belgravia even more so.  You should finish your tea quickly because that irritating cashier you sneer at is starting her shift.  Also, I need to get me some coffee.

Hi.  Excuse me?  Oh sorry, yeah sure I'll wait while you finish updating your Facebook status about how much you hate your job and that you will never be able to even drink coffee again. 
Uh huh. No worries.

Oh thank you, hi, can I get a latte and a muffin? 

Also tell me something, I can see that you've got pink and purple stripes in your hair and I commend either you or your hairdresser for a meticulous job.
Not the girl in the cafe but just a guide.
But the thing is you have multi-colored hair, shaved from temple and few inches in on the inner right side, braided on the left and your bangs are striped in purple and red.

What are you trying to prove?

You're not an anarchist because you're bitching about your part time job here and your credit card bills.  I would have respected you more if you just asked me to sign an anti-government, pro-animal petition.  

I have noted your effort but you still look like crap.

Oh yes, I know I look like crap as well but I haven't made an effort.  I just washed my face and didn't even comb my hair and put it in a bun. But if I put that much effort dying, shaving, braiding, side combing, parting, believe me, I wouldn't look amazing but I wouldn't look like crap.  

Well thanks for the coffee.  I'm just going to take a seat over in the corner.

Oh, I've seen you here before.  I don't know why you keep coming back when all you do is scowl at the mothers who can't keep their toddlers under control.  

How many times does it take to be interrupted reading the Telegraph and the Guardian ( Oh, you are a confused creature aren't you. ) by screaming four year olds bumping into your table and spilling your coffee only having to go back to "Pinkie" to order another one?   It's not that the mothers aren't trying you know.  It's just that the children don't understand English very well because they are usually with their Polish nannies.  Those mothers are under a lot of stress - their husband's bonuses aren't what they used to be and the mothers are huddled comparing how to budget on £300,000 a year.  

Anyway, don't think you're so cool and chic sitting all calm, collected, and childless -  well apart from the futile concern you're showing while reading about some third world tragedy and some political fiasco.  

Didn't you get the memo?  Three kids is the new black.


Oh and don't be so precious about your Daunt bookstore tote bag the kids rubbed their snot over.  
Not me. Via - re-wrap tumblr
I mean really, how very Naomi Klein no logo of you dear but I bet your other bag is a Porsche.  

And tell me - you are always wearing your Lulu lemon sportswear - is that because you are always working out trying to lose weight? Although you're not fat considering you are a civilian but for west London - you are rather chunky, my dear. Have you thought perhaps you got porky because you keep wearing stretchy Lulu lemon?  Size six in Lycra doesn't translate into gabardine wool.

Also you do know that it's rude to stare don't you? 
Um, hmmm, is that a mirror?



37 comments:

  1. Very enjoyable read!! Although the people of London seem to be very unattractive people.

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    1. Thanks Lee - But actually they are not bad at all - everywhere you go there are always going to various types!

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  2. So funny and cleverly done! One day you will have to pluck up the courage and actually have these conversations - what have you got to lose (unless you go there often and see the same people lol).

    I'm sorry to say I've not really had that eagerness to go up to strangers and have a word or engage in conversation, even when I'm by myself, but i'm sure that's probably just me. Well actually I tell a lie I have done it on several occasions but for the same two reasons, which i'm not sure counts in your book: 1) to say that I like something they are wearing 2) to ask whether they really needed to drop their litter there when a bin is so close!

    It's supposed to be nice on Sunday too, so happy people watching and eavesdropping xx

    http://forcailini.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Colleen - Oh no, I will have to wait until I am a proper pensioner before I start waving my walking stick at people...But it's just I always wonder as I am naturally curious about eeverything what is going on.

      I can't wait for summer so more different sorts of people come out of hiding! xx

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  3. I LOVED reading this! So entertaining! Seriously, if I said what went through my mind I'd be locked up - for my own safety. I love people-watching, and a little bit of eavesdropping doesn't go amiss either.

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    1. Oh, thanks SK - But I think you definitely need to write out more of what is going on in your head! It's a waste to keep it inside!!! You are way too funny to be quiet...

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  4. Ha! love it. Glad I'm the new black with my 3 children too... I was talking to a school mum the other day who lived in Singapore for a while about how sad it was her friends Banker husbands were all losing their jobs and returning to England. They are finding it tough because they have to pay higher tax, plus the cost of staff is Astronomical, so they can't have any. Think it might be called ex-pat syndrome.
    Teenagers - such a horrible time in life. I remember the ennui and boredom so well. Nothing to do but talk to each other about nothing much.
    I also talk to people when I'm on my own - just don't get into a lift with me. I think I'm turning into my grandmother....! xx

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    1. Oh yes - you are chicer than you realize :)

      Yes, there are a lot of returning expats who can not manage without 4 liveins and they complain about having to pay tax for the first time in years...Really jolly over here!

      Oh yes - I think we all eventually turn into our forebears for sure xx

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  5. Funny! Love people-watching too. And making snide comments in my head. My technique is to pretend I'm listening to some music so people gossiping near me can loudly talk about the most hilarious private stuff, thinking that I can't hear them. Things that they wouldn't even confess to their parish priest. I'm an expert now on my dead pan expression. Hihi..

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    1. The only place to make snide comments is in the head isn't it? You are very clever - I must get some earphones even if they aren't plugged into antything. I must practice my - oh i am not actually listening to you but where is my notepad face. tag and hihi to you!

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  6. You're on spot and very funy!LOL! xo Caroline

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    1. Oh Caroline, thankfully you approve! :) it is all in good fun xx

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  7. Great Article, nice mention of Newcastle :)

    http://primeministeroffun.blogspot.co.uk

    xoxo

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  8. Hi Jo - I have a really good Geordie friend - they are a wonderful lot!

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  9. u are hysterical! - great post love! .. i DO enjoy to people watch - but never took it to your level - maybe i'm missing out!

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    1. It's just what we are all thinking though right? I think that is what we are doing when we are people watching is subliminally analyzing what their lives are like and how different everyone is - I just talk a lot :) x

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  10. I was reading this smiling because I enjoy people-watching especially when I'm on holiday imagining the lives of all these people. The Lido looks like a lovely spot to sit and watch the world go by enjoying a little sunshine at the same time.
    http://missbbobochic.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. That smile must mean you have questioned people silently while you were people watching right? Yes the Lido is a nice little spot where you really get all sorts - you must go and do one of your posts when spring properly arrives!

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  11. fun read my dear...LuLu Lemon as popular by u as in Cali....interesting. Yes, must have already been working out a good long time to be lookin' fine in it

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    1. Yes I adore lululemon - live in it most of the time even though I have no intention of working out - I go for walks and that is the extent. Not too popular here only because there are no shops but I discovered it through a Canadian friend almost ten years ago and I can't buy any other brands anymore and I have to leave the country to procure my stash!

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  12. Thank you for visiting my blog ! Yours looks great, will have to keep up with your posts!

    Have a GREAT weekend!
    Rosemary

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    1. Hi Rosemary, I found your blog through miss b who did a guest post and it was fun - I used to live in the city 14 years ago - and it remains an amazing memory - look forward to visiting vicariously through your blog :)

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  13. Funny lady.

    I was in Hyde Park last year during the Olympics and everyone came up and chatted! It was quite bizarre - some of the chatters were even English! Obviously the Olympic spirit had gone to everyones heads as I have been before and no-one was as friendly.

    Dinner parties with no champagne are no fun at all.

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    1. Oh, don't be fooled by the hysteria during the Olympics! London was on prozac or something - or they were flirting with you and you didn't notice hehe. But things have gone back to normal and we just converse telepathically except for on the roads where we vent our frustations still! x

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  14. Hi there,
    Thanks for visiting my blog today! I love finding new blogs this way.

    Heather

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    1. Hi Heather, thanks for coming by - enjoying your blog by the way.

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  15. :D Was it a mirror?;)

    Believe it or not, I do that, I have imaginary conversations with strangers. I was in a waiting room in a hospital yesterday (I took my grandpa for a check-up) and there were two men, about 6o years old and they were talking about some woman they both knew that she got devoiced and "you know what that means" implying that she was a slut and how immoral divorce was etc. Don't you feel that in certain situations you were put there to "enlighten" people and tell them they're idiots?! I didn't though. But I think sometimes we should both speak up.:)

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  16. Hey Peet - hehe - I am fair - if I take the mick out of other people then it is only right that I take the mick out of myself too.

    But yes I do feel the urge most days in fact but I probably will definitely do so when I become much older! The few times I did get bolshy got me in a bit of trouble and complications...But they can't hit an old lady though right?? :)

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  17. Very funny article!! I love watching people and their behaviors too :-)
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks Gloria - being in Paris you must get amazing people watching - I do wish London had more sidwalk cafes!

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  18. I felt really lonely there... Don't understand some of the behaviors !

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    1. Oh yes - the Brits are an eccentric lot - but the last one was me so you join me for coffee and we can scowl at all the others ok? ;)

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  19. This made me chortle! I think we may be the same person as I constantly do this - more and more as I age!
    I'm glad that others do it too.
    The Great British Spring and Summer are so often a let-down. That's one thing I really don't miss about my home....

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    1. Oh yes - age is telling isn't it? Honestly give me another twenty years - it will be verbal!

      Ruth - rest assured that this has been the worst "spring" and longest winter ever - and it is one of those on record now. You have made the right move for sure - I still get hankerings of OZ when I see everyone's innocuous garden pics...

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  20. "Isn't the menopause over?" ha ha, thanks for linking up for Friday Funnies :)

    Lifeology

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  21. Such a hilarious satire! I see everyone with those Daunt bags these days!

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Thank you for dropping by!